


I See or Saw You (Which is Right?)

by localyanjunstan (scenarios), nineofcupsnpc



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 22:51:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17927900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scenarios/pseuds/localyanjunstan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nineofcupsnpc/pseuds/nineofcupsnpc
Summary: In the grand scheme of things, Yanjun supposes he should've seen this coming. He should've anticipated his heart being broken, but he can't help it. Sometimes when you like someone, your heart and your mind just fixate themselves on them. It's a feeling Yanjun is intimately familiar with.✧ ✧ ✧Prompt:#52: The way Yanjun looks at him when he is dancing gives him hope, but the whole world seems to think Yanjun belongs to Zhangjing. At the same time Yanjun likes Zhengting but it seems the whole internet is full of Biting pics. They will need a little help and the youngers at NPC are tired of their dense geges…





	I See or Saw You (Which is Right?)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you mods for being so patient and running this wonderful fic fest! Also, thank you to everyone who managed to put up with my bullshit lol. It was difficult only because my mind kept reverting to a default angst mode :( Apologies for the late submission as well, and I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading this fic ❤

Yanjun runs to Zhangjing, plopping himself on his bed, and displaces him in the process. He lands with an _oomph!_ and Zhangjing continues doing what he does best. He ignores Yanjun. A skill he’s developed over time that definitely comes in handy.

“Zhangjing,” Yanjun whines into his soft covers. It smells like fresh laundry and comfort; exactly what Zhangjing means to him the most. “Zhangjing don’t ignore me.”

“I’m listening,”

Yanjun continues on. “Zhangjing I’ve come to an alarming conclusion. It’s terrible, and that's with a capital ‘t’, and I don’t know what to do. What do I do?” He rants, not pausing in the slightest to catch his breath. “I am in a situation. I’m going to never ever ever go out and meet people again much less participate in a survival show and—”

“Yanjun,” Zhangjing tries to get his attention. Tries being the keyword here.

“—I’m going insane. I’ve never felt like this before Zhangjing. It’s crazy and I think—”

“Yanjun.”

“I am _not_ supposed to be crushing on someone much less someone who I’m competing against _much less_ someone I’m in a _temporary_ group with. Plus I’m pretty sure he’s—”

“Yanjun!” Zhangjing shouts, finally successful in getting Yanjun to shut up. He rubs his temples feeling an oncoming headache forming. “Please. I can’t help you if I don’t know what you’re talking about. Start from the beginning. Slowly.”

Yanjun closes his mouth. The beginning? He doesn’t know where to start because there isn’t so much so as a ‘beginning’. There just is. How does he explain that to Zhangjing especially when he’s the worst person to talk about _feelings_. But, they’ve known each other since forever and Yanjun is sure, or at least he hopes, that Zhangjing understands him well enough that he will be able to decipher his messy words and thoughts.

Speaking has never been his strong point. He's always been more of an 'actions speak louder than words' kind of person, and honestly, feelings are a terrible, terrible thing. They make him vulnerable. Naked, without any guard to shield him and hide behind. He hates that he can’t outright control them. Feelings have always turned Yanjun into a blubbering, flustered mess, and he despises that.

“I think I might have a crush,” Yanjun mumbles into the comforter of Zhangjing’s bed. Inhaling Zhangjing’s familiar fresh scent slightly helps his nerves settle. He has always told Yanjun that the first step to acceptance is admitting something, but he lives in a state of being called ‘denial’. He’ll admit that much.

“You think?” Zhangjing inquires, his tone causing Yanjun to wince slightly. There’s no use in beating around the bush with Zhangjing and Yanjun knows this, but it’s something he himself hasn’t quite come to terms with yet. It’s hard to find the exact words that can express and convey his thoughts clearly.

Yanjun burrows himself further into his comforter until only his eyes were visible. “I have a crush 'jing.” He mopes while staring at Zhangjing. “It’s terrible.”

“It’s Zhengting isn’t it.” Zhangjing states it like he's reciting a fact.

The moment he hears that, Yanjun shoots up from his cocooned position on the bed. “How did you know?” He asks alarmed. It’s one thing to come to terms with yourself and _finally_ admitting that yes, he does indeed, harbor a crush for one Zhu Zhengting, but it’s a whole entirely different thing to _hear_ someone acknowledge he has a crush before he could fully accept it himself.

“Yanjun,” Zhangjing smiles. It’s a terrifying thing that offers no comfort. “You’re not very discrete.”

“Um, no, what do you mean? I am very discrete.” Yanjun denies. Nervous laughter bursts out of him, and he can’t help but think about the implications of that. His mood takes a sudden downturn for the worst. He came here for comfort, not for Zhangjing telling him things he didn't know nor to be told things he was too stubborn to admit. He wanted empty comfort. Yanjun scooches his body over to Zhangjing and throws his arms out, successfully clinging onto the smaller boy. Yanjun’s always been the touchy type, but only in private and with the people he truly values and trusts. Yanjun lays his head on Zhangjing’s lap and stares up at him.

Zhangjing laughs. “You’re a big baby,” he plays with Yanjun’s hair, teasing him. “You stare at him every time Yanjun. It’s not hard to see especially since you don’t even _try_ to hide it.”

Yanjun groans. “Do you think,” And, he’s afraid that if he speaks it into existence then it’ll be a reality he will have to face and accept. “Do you think he knows?” He whispers, barely audible enough for Zhangjing to hear but he does. Yanjun closes his eyes to avoid the pity that’s bound to appear in Zhangjing’s eyes. Call him a coward but he doesn’t want to see it.

“Yanjun look at me,” Zhangjing says, but he ignores him. He hears Zhangjing sigh loudly before he’s unceremoniously shoved onto the floor.

“What the fuck Zhangjing.” He huffs at Zhangjing, glaring at him.

“If you would only listen to me,” Zhangjing says exasperated. “Then you wouldn’t be in this position. So shut up, stop your stupid pity party, and listen to me. Everyone—yes, I said everyone—knows of your crush on Zhengting but Zhengting? He’s like, one of the most oblivious people out there not including you so I _really_ doubt he would notice your pathetic attempts at trying to not look at him.”

Yanjun opens his mouth to protest but snaps it shut when Zhangjing glares at him. He wants to protest that Zhengting isn't as oblivious as people make him out to be. He just doesn't care, is what Yanjun wants to say but Zhangjing doesn't give him room to speak before he fires off another question at him.

“Yanjun, have you ever thought of telling Zhengting about your feelings?” Zhangjing asks softly. His previous ire more-or-less forgotten as he tries to gently encourage him that yes, he should confess before it was too late or before Yanjun regretted anything (or really, everything, because he’s the type to do that—it’s either all or nothing with him).

A lump in his throat suddenly forms. Yanjun found it all that much harder to even just _breathe_. Confession? What an absurd idea and the fact that Zhangjing mentions it blows his mind because… Well, Yanjun can’t say he’s never entertained the idea of confessing his feelings to Zhengting. Because sometimes he daydreams about that glorious moment in his head. In his mind, Yanjun will sweep Zhengting off his feet and then, they’ll walk hand-in-hand off into a promising future together, and he imagines that they will be each other’s forever’s.

Other days he will imagine that he will confess but Zhengting rejects him. He’ll reject Yanjun with his sweet smile and apologize, explaining that he’s already in a relationship with the love of his life, Bi Wenjun, and that, he admits to himself, already crushes his heart. Yanjun already knows he has no chance because Zhengting has already been swept up off his feet by his own gallant prince charming already.

Most days, however, which translates into these days, Yanjun just wants to avoid Zhengting. He wants to avoid any mention of the said boy. Even going out of his way with avoiding Justin or Chengcheng, or sometimes even Xiao Gui, because suddenly, he's been taken under Zhengting's wing, and because he isn’t brave enough to even let himself _glimpse_ at Zhengting. He doesn't even want to hear a mention of him, but it's hard avoiding them when they make up four of their nine-member group of theirs.

“No,” Yanjun finally answers. “Never.”

“What are you so afraid of Yanjun?”

His lips tremble before they shape around the damning words that glue themselves onto him, reminding him of his shortcomings and failures. “Rejection. Contempt. Pity.” He spits out those venomous words. They plague his mind and trail after him, clinging onto the shadows of his thoughts and the negativity he harbors deep inside him. Yanjun tries to get rid of them, he really does. But sometimes he can’t help but think. He can’t help but question himself. _Is he really worth it?_ He comes to a resounding answer each and every time.

 _No_.

He’s afraid to rise because he’s afraid to fall. He fears the slow rush of disappointment that pools his guts that reminds him so much of his shortcomings.

“You have to take a step forward. Maybe if not for yourself then for the rest of us Yanjun.” Zhangjing tells him. From his position he can’t tell what kind of expression Zhangjing makes but he likes to imagine it’s one of gentle encouragement. Zhangjing plops himself next to Yanjun on the ground, patting his knees for comfort.

“Stop with your moping Lin Yanjun,” Zhangjing wraps his arms around him, his hands forcing his head up so that Yanjun makes eye-contact with him. “Remember when I said I’ve got the brains and you’ve got the brawns? I’ve got a plan okay? Hear me out. I think Zhengting likes you too. So we’re going to come up with a way for you to somehow confess.”

Yanjun makes a noise of protest, attempting to wrench his head out from Zhangjing’s grip but it’s strong from a deceptively soft man. “Just listen. You’re going to take a chance alright? Because you deserve to be happy too. Even if the worse comes to worse, you won’t be able to say you regret anything because you _tried_ Yanjun. That’s the point of life. Trying. I believe in you and I know you’re capable of trying and succeeding. I know you can prove the odds wrong to yourself.”

Yanjun won’t admit it, but he cries. Small tears escape from the corner of his eyes and roll down his cheeks. He sniffles before he, finally, decides to fully lean onto Zhangjing. He buries his face in Zhangjing’s chest, gripping the front of his shirt desperately and lies there. Zhangjing soothes him by running his hands through his hair, providing any kind of comfort he could.

Yanjun’s small hitches of breaths are the only sound heard in the room. He tries to calm himself down by taking deep breaths and it’s shaky at first but eventually, it works. He pulls himself away albeit reluctantly before, finally, voluntarily looking at Zhangjing in the eyes. He can do it, Yanjun tells himself. He takes this moment of foolhardiness and runs with it.

“I want to try Zhangjing,” with an almost imperceptible nod. He takes this strength and pushes out his thoughts that are so afraid to see the light of day. “I think I can do it too.” It sounds weak but there’s an underlying hint of strength hidden beneath his words.

“No,” Zhangjing smiles at him. It’s a beautiful and brilliant thing, Yanjun thinks, and he wonders why he couldn’t have had fallen in love with Zhangjing instead. “I know you can.”

.

(Here’s the thing:

What Yanjun admires the most about Zhu Zhengting is how he composes himself. He's elegant, smooth, and confident. Really, he's the definition of ‘unbothered’. Zero fucks about what other people think. And so Yanjun might just like that aspect about Zhengting.  Maybe like, really _really_ likes that about Zhengting. And maybe really really _really_ likes Zhengting in general. Zhangjing teases him all the time about it, now that he’s more forthcoming about it, "Why don’t you just confess?"

But he can’t. Not when Yanjun witnessed Zhengting gaze at Wenjun like he hung the moon and the stars up in the night sky himself. He wants to desperately tell Zhengting, "Look at me instead," except whenever Zhengting looks at him with his intense eyes, Yanjun forgets how to speak and he makes a fool out of himself. He's always blown away by how effortlessly gorgeous Zhengting is. Even when his eyes are puffy and his hair a mess. Zhu Zhengting is the definition of beauty to Lin Yanjun.

 

He doesn’t think he has the slightest chance. That’s what he tells Zhangjing on a daily basis, and Zhangjing, an angel truly, encourages him daily that it doesn’t hurt to try. “It’s okay to be afraid Yanjun. What matters is that you tried.” Is what Zhangjing tells him each time.

 

But he isn’t brave at all so instead, Yanjun decides, that he will keep shut about this silly little crush on Zhengting. He'll keep his heartache of an unreciprocated love to himself. It’s only a crush, and crushes fade away eventually in time.

The hardest part is smiling. It hurts Yanjun to even lie to Zhengting but for the sake of his own sanity, he says nothing. He can't even begin to imagine that he will ever amount to half of what Wenjun is in Zhengting's eyes.)

. . .

“Remember, stay calm, cool, and collected,” Zhangjing reminds him as they walk to the practice rooms. They huddle together for extra warmth as the cool winter air starts to seep in even through the well heated hallways and stuffy practice rooms. They’re one of the last ones to arrive and they stop right before opening the door. The muffled thumps and loud bass echo in his mind before Zhangjing grabs his hand. He squeezes it and that gesture refocuses Yanjun.

“Don’t forget; baby steps Yanjun.” Zhangjing says leaning in closely to Yanjun’s ear, the slight height difference causing him to tip-toe and for Yanjun to bend slightly to accommodate him.

A loud cough causes them to jump apart from each other. Panicking, Yanjun quickly turns around just to see Zhengting’s friendly smile. “Maybe we should save the flirting for later.” Zhengting giggles but to Yanjun, there was something _off_ about it. “You lovebirds just can’t keep away from each other.” He says as he enters the practice room, but he doesn't look at either Zhangjing or Yanjun. Exchanging glances at each other, Zhangjing shrugs in response and enters after Zhengting. Yanjun light slaps his own face, readying himself to face Zhengting.

He is the last member to enter the practice room and instinctively, his eyes dart to wherever Zhengting stands. He’s off to the side laughing about some nonsensical thing Justin is showing him and—he never fails to take Yanjun’s breath away.  He admires everything about Zhengting, and he wishes that he could amount to something like him; someone who’s good at dancing. Someone who’s good at singing. Someone who’s good at _everything_ , and it just makes Yanjun feel so very inadequate.

Practice starts, and Yanjun is caught in a daze. He forces himself to focus. He has to stop thinking about Zhengting, he thinks desperately. There will only be bad things that will come out of his crush, especially if he pursues it. Regret courses through him as he remembers Zhangjing’s plans to push them together so that he, and he quotes, “would stop moping around”. He doesn’t want to stick with any kind of plan after all, it’s only wishful thinking on his part thinking he could attract Zhengting. Not when he already has the perfect guy for him. Not when he already has someone who fully understands him already and can stick by him. Not when Yanjun knows he can't amount to anything Wenjun is.

Xukun calls for a break and it just vaguely registers through his ears. He slowly slides down against the surface of the mirror, his mind completely muddled still. The admission to himself that yes, he does have a crush on Zhengting is affecting him a lot more than he thought it would, and he hates it. He wants to sleep and hide away from the world. From the public’s eye, from the group he fought so hard to be a part of, from Zhengting and his charismatic charm.

"Yanjun!" Zhangjing's annoyed face pops up within his line of sight. "Yanjun, focus." He half-whispers half-yells.

"I'm just kind of tired." He says in a daze. His head is so full of work that the addition of this silly crush on Zhengting doesn't help one bit. The group is about to leave for LA to learn different things, and he can't help but be nervous. What if something goes wrong? Then what would happen?

Zhangjing simply sighs, and it’s something he's been doing a lot recently, Yanjun notices. He watches as Zhangjing heads over to Xukun, saying something to him, he receives a nod in return from said person.

"Practice is over for today," Xukun announces. "If you need to relieve stress, today's the day. We're leaving soon so make sure you're all in the right state of mind."

With that, Zhangjing drags Yanjun up and off the floor and he pushes him out the door. Maybe it’s his imagination but he thought he saw Zhengting give a glare at Zhangjing. But when he turns his head around as he exits, the last thing he sees is the Zhengting’s back facing them.

.

(Yanjun just doesn’t get it. How can he be so enamored with someone who doesn’t spare him a glance; who doesn’t even give him a sliver of their time; who doesn’t even seem to care. As much as it pains Yanjun to think, maybe it’s time to try and get over Zhengting. The way Yanjun is so infatuated, so _hung up_ over him, isn’t healthy for him. He promises himself that he’ll take a step back. Distance himself.

LA happens, and promises are made to be broken.)

. . .

It's a few weeks after their trip to LA. Yanjun loved it. He loved going on a trip with his members (they're his team; a family) because they were able to learn and experience new things and see sights they wouldn't otherwise see here. He loved it so much, and the only thing Yanjun wishes for is for an opportunity where they can all go again later in the future. He committed a mistake in LA though.

He hooked up with Zhengting against his better judgement.

In a moment of weakness, he let himself be overwhelmed by the intensity that is Zhengting. It was a drunken night full of fumbling around and mishaps, but it was fun and exhilarating. Yanjun never knew he could fall deeper for Zhengting and as silly as it might sound, he thought they had established a deeper connection with each other.

Obviously, that wasn't the case.

The morning after, it was like Zhengting was a completely whole different person. His attitude towards Yanjun, while they weren't super casual in the first place, became strained. He became more curt with Yanjun, not sparing him a single glance afterwards, and Yanjun couldn't help but feel hurt by his actions. Telling Zhangjing only seemed to worsen the situation because he "wanted to have words" with him, but he didn't want him to. He didn't want to stir up any unnecessary trouble, so Yanjun swallowed his hurt down, slapped a makeshift band-aid over his heart, and spoofed a smile.

If Zhengting wants to pretend that night never happened, then Yanjun will play along with him. After all, he's dating Wenjun isn't he? He doesn't want to be the one guilty of tearing them apart.  

Here he is, a couple weeks later. Yanjun lays across the couch, a book propped open on his lap yet he isn't processing any of the words on the pages. His head is still wrapped up in the small disaster that was LA even if he made heaps of precious memories there. It only takes one bad instance to sour up an experience. Even then he sits here _still_ thinking about the possibility of Zhengting.

Call him a fool because he is one. Plain and simple.  He can't help that he's lovesick.

What keeps him up is his admiration for the way Zhengting dances. For the way he expresses himself. From his delicate, wiry lines to the controlled strength he displays time and time again whenever they go through the choreography to his own, modern contemporary dances that he paints so gracefully both across the stage and in the dance rooms. Really, he should be sleeping instead of losing the precious amount of sleep he already doesn’t have with how hard they’ve been working these past few weeks.

He can't help but let his mind wander back to their time in LA. Is it cruel of him to continue to let himself suffer just because of the possibility of what-ifs? Those two weeks were the best weeks of his life with his group. From everything that was good and from everything that was bad.

From Zhengting letting him have a taste to leaving him with nothing to even scrape by with.

Maybe that’s why he’s so in love. It’s because Zhengting gave him hope then, and now that they’re back, he isn’t giving Yanjun an inch of anything. Even then, he didn't either.

Yanjun comes to the conclusion that it was just to relieve stress and that sends a tendril a pain through his chest. But what can he do when it’s so obvious that he and Wenjun are dating?

“Yanjun you’re still up?” It’s Chengcheng who walks into the room, confusion painted all over his face. “It’s late.”

“Yeah. Just couldn’t sleep so I figured I should read a bit.”

Chengcheng decides to not prod any further and leaves Yanjun to his distracted reading. He thumbs the edges of the pages, doing exactly what he hates the most, that is, ruining the straight edges of the book’s pages. He can’t help it. It gives him some semblance of comfort as he stares blankly at the pages once again.

There’s a dip in the seat next to him. Surprised, Yanjun looks and it’s Chengcheng, again, holding two cups of hot tea in his hands. He offers one out to Yanjun, a tired smile quirked upon his lips.

“I figured you needed it. I know _I_ need it jeez. There’s been no time to sleep so you should try sleeping too.” Chengcheng says as Yanjun grabs the other cup. He cradles it within his hands, the warmth spreading from his palms to his fingers and the hot tea gives him a warmth he didn’t know he craved.

Even this simple gesture makes him so happy inside.

They both bask in the silence. Quiet and easy-going. There’s nothing to say. Nothing to imply. They’re just two people at the end of the day doing what they love the most. With Chengcheng, Yanjun’s always found his company to be so easy-going. It’s easy getting along with him. He appreciates that.

“Is this about Zhengting?” Chengcheng drops on him.

Yanjun splutters. Coughing from the tea, Yanjun asks, “What makes you think that?”

Chengcheng shrugs, seemingly uninterested but Yanjun can tell he does care from the slight tension he holds in his shoulders.

“I heard Justin say something to him the other day.”

“You did?” He asks, curious. He wants to pester Chengcheng, but caution holds him back. “What was it?”

“Something about Zhengting being stupid, which, I agree with by the way. I thought he’s supposed to be smarter since he’s older and all that stuff you know. Not,” Chengcheng scrunches up his nose. “Like _this_.” He shakes his head and Yanjun just stares at him, wide-eyed and all that. “You deserve better.” He announces. “Date Zhangjing instead. If you do, I think all your boy troubles will disappear.”

Yanjun can’t help but giggle at that. Date Zhangjing? Definitely a thought he’s entertained before, but he couldn’t do that to him. His best friend, Zhangjing, who’s always been there for him through thick and thin. He can’t give Zhangjing the love he deserves.

“Why don’t you date Zhangjing since you sound so sure,” Yanjun teases Chengcheng and watches as embarrassment crawls up his face. Chengcheng refuses, saying, “it’s not like that!” and the laughter that spills from his lips seems to brighten up the room from its previous state of darkness and gloom. Shortly after, Chengcheng joins him in laughing too. It seems endless and like they laughed for what seems like forever. Eventually, the chuckles die down and they’re back to that comfortable silence from before.

“I like it best when you’re smiling Yanjun,” Chengcheng says, directing a bright smile at Yanjun too. “Don’t worry about Zhengting; you’re totally worth it despite what he does.”

“You think so?” His voice wobbles, and Yanjun doesn’t mean to sound so vulnerable but he can’t help it. Hearing Chengcheng say that only brings out the worst in him especially because he’s been feeling like it’s been a mistake falling in love with Zhengting. There are hundreds of pictures of Zhengting with Wenjun online, and Zhengting has never been clear on his relationship status so Yanjun can’t help but assume the—in his case—worst.

“I know so.”

Yanjun lays his head on Chengcheng’s shoulder and that’s that. They don’t talk about it anymore. Even if Chengcheng looks like he wants to say more, and even if Yanjun’s mind is screaming at him to ask more, he stays silent.

He’s tired, and he only wants one thing. He wants Zhengting to stop playing with his heart.

.

(Yanjun thinks about the possibilities of falling in love with his other members. With Chengcheng who cares so much. With Ziyi who is absolutely self-less and just keeps giving and giving and giving. Xukun who carries the whole world on his shoulders with being both Nine Percent’s leader and battling against a lawsuit and is just so courageous and brave and everything Yanjun isn’t either. Linong, who’s so full of love, and Justin, who’s full of youth and vibrance, and Xiao Gui, with his endearing antics.

With Zhangjing who Yanjun could have loved. He loves him, but it’s not the kind of burning love he holds for Zhengting. Maybe Yanjun could have held that kind of love for Zhangjing. Just, not in this lifetime of theirs.

It is only Zhengting who manages to fully capture his attention despite all his wrongdoings and misgivings. Maybe that’s what Yanjun likes about him.

That he can be just as flawed as Yanjun is.)

. . .

It’s one of their free days, and Yanjun spends it away by lounging in the dorms. The rest of the members had gone out already, instantly dispersing into groups and eagerly leaving once they were informed of their free scheduled day. On days like this, Yanjun prefers to stay home. This way he can recharge his energy, so to speak. He likes his leisure time to be uninterrupted and alone. As he closes his eyes, a series of soft knocks comes from his door. Confused, Yanjun gets up from his bed and opens the door and it’s—oh. It’s Zhengting.

“You’re home?” He’s genuinely confused, because he swears Zhengting had planned his day out today. Or, at least, that’s what he heard from Xiao Gui. Maybe he was wrong? That doesn’t make any sense either because, from what he’s seen, he, Zhengting, and Justin, and Chengcheng are all attached to the hips. It doesn’t make sense unless Zhengting intentionally told them otherwise.

“I am,” Zhengting says.

“But weren’t you going to go out today?”

“I changed my mind. Can I come in?” Zhengting brushes off his questions and steps in without waiting for Yanjun to react first.

Yanjun lets him in. There’s no use in saying no since he was already half-way through already so Yanjun stands by the door stock-still as he stares at Zhengting’s figure that stands in the middle of his and Zhangjing’s shared room.

“Why are you just standing there? I want to talk.” Zhengting says as he plops himself on Yanjun’s bed. He gestures for him to come sit next to him too, as if he is the one that lives in this room and not Yanjun. Yanjun hates the slight feeling of helplessness that overcomes him so instead, he closes the door and sits opposite to Zhengting on Zhangjing’s bed.

“So,” Yanjun starts. “Let’s talk.”

Zhengting uncrosses his legs and walks himself over to him and sits down next to him, not close enough to be touching but close enough for Yanjun to feel wary. He unconsciously leans away from Zhengting, creating space just so he can breathe easier. The effect Zhengting has on him is suffocating because he makes him nervous in the way where Yanjun wants to please him. He just really, really likes him that much.

“I was just thinking,” Zhengting smiles at him and leans closer. Yanjun shuffles overs, increasing the shortening distance between the two as Zhengting follows him with each move he makes. “That we should have a repeat of what happened in LA.”

“What?” It’s a quiet sound and at first, Yanjun even doubted that it came from him too. But Zhengting doesn’t sound like that and there’s no one else in the room so yes, it is in fact, him who said it.

Zhengting merely rolls his eyes and scoots close enough to Yanjun for their thighs to touch. “I think we should fuck.” He repeats.

“I, uh,” Yanjun’s mind goes into overdrive because he’s conflicted. Zhengting’s dating Wenjun so it doesn’t make sense to Yanjun. “What about Wenjun?” He squeaks out.

“What about Wenjun.” He says accompanied by a raised brow like he couldn't understand what there is to worry about.

“Aren’t you dating?” Yanjun finally asks.

A burst of laughter comes forwards from Zhengting’s lips, and Yanjun hates it. It almost sounds as if he’s mocking him.

“Aren’t you and Zhangjing?” His obvious dodge of the question makes Yanjun frown. Why doesn’t he just answer the question?

“What do you mean ‘me and Zhangjing,’”

Zhengting just shrugs. “I just assumed from all those pictures you guys are a thing.”

“What?” Yanjun repeats again.

Zhengting just shrugs again in an ‘I-don’t-know’ kind of manner.

“I’m not, but even if I was, what makes you think I would cheat on him? Are you cheating on Wenjun, Zhengting?” Yanjun asks, suddenly angry at how Zhengting is acting. He’s acting as if it isn't a big deal. It offends him because he’s undermining both his character and his relationship with Wenjun, and Yanjun isn’t a big enough asshole to knowingly enable Zhengting to cheat with him.

“I think you should leave.” He says, and he watches as indignation flies across Zhengting’s face as if he’s never been so insulted in his entire life. Like no one has ever told him ‘no’ before.

“Why should I,” Zhengting scoffs and that only upsets Yanjun further.

“In my humble opinion, you shouldn’t cheat on your partner.” He bites out, mad that he couldn’t see this. It doesn’t take much to be a decent person, and Yanjun likes to think he’s a decent enough person. No matter how much he likes Zhengting, he can’t do this to Wenjun even if he’s already done it once due to a moment of overwhelming want and in a state of being intoxicated.

“Really,” Zhengting drawls out. “That’s not what you were saying a month ago. When you were practically begging for me. Why are you pretending when I know you know we both want this.”

Shame sneaks its way up his spine, crawling over his nerves, and clings onto him like a shiny medal of moral infidelity. He’s ashamed that Zhengting is right because he does want _something_ to happen between them. It's a craving that won't go away no matter how much he pushes it down. It’s spurred on by his desire and attraction to who Zhengting is as a person. He’s kind and bright and positive, and he’s everything Yanjun isn’t.

“If you aren’t going to leave then I will.” Yanjun curls his lips in contempt, letting Zhengting get the better of him. Zhengting gets underneath his skin like no other person and maybe that’s his fault because he lets him, but Yanjun has never been strong in saying ‘no’ to the people he likes.

Zhengting doesn’t say anything so Yanjun takes that as it is, and he leaves. The disappointment settles heavily in his gut, and he doesn’t know if he wants to cry or scream or break something out in frustration or anger or what. He doesn’t know what he expected—doesn’t know what he _should’ve_ expected—but it certainly wasn’t that. Except he did expect it, is what the little voice in the back of his head says. He wants Zhengting to want him in the same way Yanjun does.

Yanjun is over Zhu Zhengting, he determines.

.

(LA.

The best and the worst time of his life. The best because they experienced and learned so many things together. The sights seen, experiences felt, the emotions that overwhelmed them all. It was all so beautiful. Yanjun wishes he can go back to those days so he could grasp the time they had together within his hands, but they slip past him. Falling through the space between his fingers and through the small, growing cracks in his heart. It was the worst because he let himself go.

The worst mistake was giving into Zhengting and his charms. The worst thing he could have done to himself was giving into a lie. Letting himself be lulled by the sense of warmth and security between Zhengting’s arms. He gave in his desperation to be loved by Zhengting.

Those couple of nights were the best and worst. Indulging in a lie isn’t healthy. Believing in a lie contorts your reality. Relishing in a lie makes him feel good. He won’t deny that.

It was just so _good_.)

. . .

The next couple of days are tense. The other members are cautious around both him and Zhengting, and Yanjun feels terrible about that. He doesn’t want the members to feel as if they have to walk around on egg-shells around them, but they do. They’re both just so passive-aggressive towards each other. If it isn’t Zhengting making comments on every little thing Yanjun does, then it’s Yanjun making snide remarks whenever he finds an opening to.

“Can you pick up your book; it’s in the way.” Came Zhengting’s annoying voice just as Yanjun entered the living room.

“Oh my god, shut up already,” Justin mumbles into his cereal. “It’s way too early for this.”

An apologetic smile appears across Zhengting’s face and a weird feeling overcomes Yanjun. Why doesn’t he smile like that at him, he wonders. He pushes that thought back to the far end of his mind. He doesn’t need his stupid feelings in the way. Suddenly, the breakfast in front of him seemed unappetizing and he can’t stomach the thought of consuming any more.

The chair scrapes loudly across the floor as he stands up and jolts about half the other members awake. “Sorry,” He says with an apologetic smile. Yanjun catches Zhengting’s gaze and it’s full of something more than just dislike. He’s too tired to decipher it, so he continues on his way out.

“I’ll come with you,” Zhangjing shouts after him, and Yanjun waits for him because that’s what friends generally do for each other. They wait. Zhangjing slightly trips in his hurry over to him. He catches him, steadying him on his feet.

“Careful.” He says.

“I am,” Zhangjing protests. “It’s just early.” A smile easily spreads across his face, and Yanjun feels some of his tension melt away. It relieves him. A sort of half-smile forms on his lips just from Zhangjing’s bubbly presence. Zhangjing tugs him towards the door and he lets himself be pulled.

Behind him, he hears a scoff. He can’t help himself but turn around with a, “What’s your problem,” directed at the one and only Zhengting, because he _knows_ no one else is bothered enough (and bothered for what exactly?). His patience is running dry and he promised himself that he won't let Zhengting walk all over him anymore.

“You’re my problem,” Zhengting replies from his seat. He says it so casually it riles up Yanjun. The way Zhengting just _is_ , the way how easily he can dig under his skin, and how he’s just forever that irritable itch he can’t quite scratch annoys him so much. “The way you two flaunt your relationship like get a room. Not all of us want to watch how sickening sweet you two are to each other. Actually, none of us do.”

Yanjun feels like he’s experienced whiplash because what the _fuck_ ? Which is the first thing that crosses his mind and—does _everyone_ think he and Zhangjing are in a relationship, is a close second. Yanjun wants to scream that they are wrong. So so _so_ wrong in their assumptions. He doesn’t like Zhangjing like that and he’s pretty sure Zhangjing doesn’t see him like that either. Is it because they’re close, because really, Yanjun can’t fathom how they can’t be close friends without people seeing them as anything else.  

“We aren’t, not that you need to know, but I might as well just say it. Even if we were, why does it matter to you. It doesn’t affect you so why are you being so fucking touchy.” Yanjun retorts. He so tired of Zhengting’s shit. He says this all the time but this time he means it.

“It bothers me.”

All movements stop and it’s eerily silent. Yanjun inwardly seethes but it won’t make the situation any better. He’s really in love with this asshole? If Yanjun wasn’t himself, he would say he’s so disappointed in his choices in life.

“At least I’m not a cheater,”

“I’m _not_ a cheater. I’m not even in a relationship!” Zhengting fires back, unwilling to back down.

Taken aback, Yanjun doesn’t know how to react because he _isn’t_? New to him, Yanjun thinks, and he tries not to care or show how much that reveal affects him. “Well, at least I’m not a complete asshole,” Yanjun recovers quickly after stalling from finally knowing what he’s always wanted to know.

“I’m not. Thanks.”

“Why are you acting like this then?” Why are you like this to _me_ , Yanjun wants to add that in.  He almost does but he stops himself. He can’t afford to show any weakness in front of Zhengting, because Zhengting does this terrible thing where he picks you apart until you want to cry. He doesn’t want to show such vulnerability especially in front of the other members whose heads go back and forwards like they’re watching a tennis match.

“You always comment on the littlest thing I do. Whenever I leave the door open just a tiny bit, you make a remark. Whenever I open the curtains, you make a remark. Whenever I put on my fucking _shoes_ , you make a remark. So tell me, mister I’m-not-an-asshole, why you’re like this.” Yanjun is panting by the time he finishes. Zhengting really does bring out both the best and the worst of him out.  

“Don’t you get it,” Zhengting groans in frustration. “It’s because I like you.”

His jaw drops in shock. “What?” Yanjun utters in disbelief. He runs his hands through his hair and oh, he needs to sit down before he faints. Zhengting _likes_ him? He should be jumping for joy. This is what he’s craved for since the moment he developed this stupid crush of his that’s turned his life miserable. Maybe he needs to step back and reconsider. Yanjun is conflicted. On one hand, he’s really really stupidly happy. On the other, he doesn’t want it. Not after how hot-and-cold Zhengting has been. So he does what he's always done best.

Yanjun turns on his heel and walks away. He doesn’t know where to but it’s to anywhere but here.

.

(“ _Zhengting, do you like anyone_?” Yanjun remembers asking then. He also remembers the series of emotions that flashed across his face too, but he was tipsier than he thought and reasoned that he imagined it all.

They were lying on the bed in a post-pleasure haze that settled over them both. Warm, cuddly, tender. He remembers thinking how utterly beautiful Zhengting was too. Maybe that’s just him being biased, but he could have told Yanjun anything and he would have believed him wholeheartedly without a doubt.

“ _What makes you ask that_?” Zhengting deflected with a smile and a tilt of his head. Eyes wide and dazzling and just seemed so much more sober than Yanjun was.

“ _I dunno. Just wondering_.” Yanjun shrugged. He blinked sleepily. Each time he closed his eyes, the longer they stayed closed. Satisfaction crawled up his spine, and he began to nod off into the pillow, inhaling the combined scent of Zhengting and general hotel smell.

He knows Zhengting replied but he doesn’t know what. All he remembers was someone threading their fingers through his hair and tucking the blankets around him.

He too afraid to hope.)

. . .

Yanjun hides himself away in the practice room. He keeps room dark. The only light comes from the ample amount that shines through the frosted glass of the door. He sits with his back against the mirrors that line the walls, knees pulled up to his chest, and his head rests on top of his arms.

Zhengting likes him.

That’s been the only thought running through his mind ever since he left. Did everyone know, he wonders, thinking about if he was the only one unaware. It doesn’t make much sense though, because Yanjun was almost certain he and Wenjun were dating. He thinks about how unbelievable it is until he realizes that that’s what Zhengting was doing too. Yanjun grimaces. He had naturally assumed they were dating and Zhengting had made the same assumption about him and Zhangjing. Yanjun never asked, but he’s not really at fault, is he?

The door opens. Thinking it’s Zhangjing because of the hesitant footsteps, Yanjun doesn’t look up. “I’m okay, ‘jing.” Yanjun mumbles. He sounds miserable even to his own ears though, so he’s sure he’s not entirely believable.

Silence, then a, “I’m not Zhangjing,” echoes through the room. His head shoots up instantly, staring wide-eyed at Zhengting before he buries his head in his arms again. Yanjun feels Zhengting pause next to him, seemingly debating if he should or shouldn’t sit next to him. In the end, Zhengting plops down, leaving just an inch or two between them.

The air that settles between the two of them is cold and slightly tense. At this point, Yanjun is tired of the pig-tail pulling Zhengting does so he ignores him. Yanjun never said he was the bigger person. He solves all his problems by ignoring them. Yeah, maybe it isn’t the healthiest way to deal with them, but he honestly can’t be bothered enough to actually _care_. Oh, he realizes, maybe he’s just as much as an asshole as Zhengting is and suddenly, it makes sense. One asshole plus another asshole equals wholesomeness, right?

“I’m sorry.” Yanjun’s breath hitches at the unexpected apology. He peeks over his arms at Zhengting to find him staring at him. He doesn’t break eye contact and, taking that as a sign, Zhengting scoots closer to Yanjun until their shoulders are touching and their knees knocking against one another.

“I know there’s no excuse but,” Zhengting makes the most pitiful expression Yanjun thinks he’s ever seen on him. “I was jealous.” He finally admits.

“What?” He’s bewildered. Jealous? Of Yanjun? “Of me?” He asks. The dots don't connect, the lines aren't straight, nothing makes sense. Zhengting doesn't make sense.

Zhengting struggles to convey what he means. His fingers tap against his knees as he grows silent. Yanjun can’t help but be nervous. What if this, whatever this is, ruins everything? He doesn’t want all their hard work to go down the drain, so he doesn’t mind sacrificing a bit of his happiness for the happiness of the whole group.

“Zhengting. Just forget it,” He says, willing the sudden gathering of tears in his eyes to not fall. The past events and everything leading up to this moment all suddenly comes crashing down on him. Yanjun is inexplicably exhausted. He moves to push himself off the floor, but Zhengting’s hand darts out and holds onto his arm, preventing him from leaving the spot next to him.

“No, Yanjun, listen to me,” Zhengting says in a rush, jumbling his words together, pleading. Yanjun could barely understand him and he's never heard Zhengting use that tone of voice before. No, not once, so he settles back down, and Zhengting doesn’t let go of his grip.

“You deserve so much better than me.” He starts. Yanjun starts to protest but before he could say anything, Zhengting covers his mouth with a hand. “No, it’s true, and don’t argue with me. I treated you like shit after what happened in LA, and I didn’t know how to deal with it because you’re amazing Yanjun. You’re hardworking and tell stupid jokes and you’re so easy to get along with and I just had so much hope that we could be more but,” He stutters here.

“But I'm stupid with emotions and I let my jealousy get the best of me.” He finally admits, and Yanjun doesn’t know if his admission relieves him or if it adds on to his current conflicts. Still, there’s a question that Yanjun wants to ask.

“What were you jealous of?”

“Of you and Zhangjing.” He says embarrassed.

“What?”

“I was jealous that Zhangjing got to be so close to you,” Zhengting whines. “I know I was being stupid now.” He buries his face in his arms in an effort to hide his cherry red cheeks from Yanjun.

Yanjun can’t help but laugh. “Me and Zhangjing? No way never.” What a ridiculous thought. He starts sniffling. The stupid tears have finally found their way out, and god, he’s the ugliest crier on the _world_. “Y-you’re ridiculous and so so stupid,” He huffs out, nose already congested by the tears. “Why didn’t you just ask?”

At that, Zhengting peeks his head out of his arms. He must look so pathetic, Yanjun thinks, crying over absolutely nothing. Before he could wipe his tears away, Zhengting does it first. His hand carefully wipes away the tears that rolled down the apples of his cheeks, and his gestures are full of such affection that it makes Yanjun cry harder. If this is a joke, then Yanjun doesn't want to be a part of Zhengting's ongoing games. He can't take any more of it.

“Do-don’t do this if you don’t mean it,” Yanjun hiccups out as he grips Zhengting’s wrist firmly in his to show how serious he is.

“I’m serious. I like you so much I—I didn’t ask because my pride got in the way. There, I said it. It’s because I wanted you to tell me first.” Zhengting gently removes Yanjun’s grip and instead, holds his hand.

“I hate you so much,” Yanjun sobs out, hand holding onto Zhengting’s as if it’s a lifeline. If he lets go, will Zhengting let go too?

“Yeah, I know.”

“I like you, you idiot.” Yanjun says and Zhengting brings his face closer to his. Close enough to the point Yanjun could almost count the lashes on his eyes. Close enough where their lips almost touch. It’s close enough where they could just breath each other’s air. The moment is tender and sweet, no longer bitter and tense like how it was previously.

“Yeah, I know.” Zhengting says. "Can I kiss you?"

At his nod, Zhengting pushes his face forwards and their lips meet. It’s a simple press of the lips but it holds so much meaning. It's simple and delicate and full of a satisfaction Yanjun didn't know was waiting to be fulfilled.

Zhengting pulls back and rests his forehead against his forehead. "I know I really hurt you but let me make up for it. Please?" Yanjun keeps his eyes closed because he doesn't want to be disappointed again. Yanjun feels Zhengting shift back and he clenches his eyes shut still.

Zhengting's hand caresses his face, a thumb running over his cheekbone. "Open your eyes Yanjun because I'll be here. I promise."

He opens his eyes and he met with the sight of Zhengting smiling. He holds out his other hand, pinkie finger extended to Yanjun. Staring at it, he doesn't know whether or not he should accept his promises. But he looks at Zhengting's eyes and back down at his pinkie before deciding he should take this risk. Slowly, he intertwines his pinkie with Zhengting’s, and a soft kind of feeling overcomes him. It fills his tender heart and manages to coax a smile out of Yanjun.

“I really like you too, Yanjun.”

 


End file.
